Everything will be okay..right?

I am a person who likes everything to go smoothly, to find the silver lining in all situations, and to always stay positive. That's not just in everyday life..but with these blogs as well. But I can tell you right now...it's not one of those blogs.

The only thing I know how to do to deal with things is to either talk to someone about it, listen to music in my room and cry, or write about it. None of these things have worked so far. I didn't think it was possible for a heart to hurt this much, or for a knot this big to remain in my stomach for so long. And yet..both those things are with my as I write this.

I know that reading this you are thinking 'what happened?!' and I'm sorry to disappoint, but it will not be mentioned in this post. Only a few people know about this but honestly, I'm trying as hard as I can to deal with something and I don't know how. That's why I'm choosing to blog. I'm hoping it'll take me somewhere else or do something to help me. I've talked with my best friends, I've cried until my eyes have pretty much swollen shut, and I've sat and listened to music. But I haven't listened to God. I can't for some reason. I don't hear Him and I don't know how to. I feel broken and lost and confused. I feel disappointed and embarrassed. I feel like I'm living someone else's life and not my own. How could something like this have so much impact? And most importantly, how come it's happening to me and my family?

I can say whole heartedly that life can literally flip upside down within a matter of seconds. It can turn on a dime and it can make you into a different person. That happened to me because of one decision. One decision that changed everything.

It's the hardest thing in the world looking at someone you love with a new pair of eyes, because of something that happened. Someone that I look up to and love with my whole heart..

I still look up to them and love them with my whole heart, but I honestly just don't know how to act or how to feel or what to say. So I'm left lost. I've been here before and it isn't the best place to be. Everyone keeps telling me that it will be okay, and even though Iknow that to be true..I don't believe it. I feel like no one understands...even the ones who are going through it too. Everyone expects me to be strong like I always am..but I'm the opposite. I'm weak and I'm trying to regain strength. The only thing I know how to do at this point is pray and talk to God. I need Him now more than ever and I need His glory to be enough. I need Him to show me that silver lining, that positive outlook, and the best outcome.

So for now..I have to learn how to let go and move on. And wait for that silver lining.

Here comes the rest of your life

"For every stoplight I didn't make, every chance I did or didn't take..all the nights I went too far, all the boys who broke my heart. All the doors I had to close, all the things I knew but didn't know. I thank God for all I missed..because it led me here to this.."

Well, this post is so long overdue and I'm truly sorry for that. I've had moments and thoughts that I've wanted to blog about for a couple of weeks that I just haven't been able to sit down and write about. So this blog will probably go from happy to sad, to happy, to...I don't know what else. But bear with me. I want to just write.First off, I GRADUATED! Oh my oh my..what a wonderful feeling that is. I blogged many times about how I didn't know how I would feel the day I graduated. Well..I felt amazing. And relieved, and excited, and just happy. It was a long day filled with practice (a very long one at that) all morning, to lunch with my amazing family, to the gym..to the field..to the stage. I loved every second of that day. Everyone told me that it would be a day I would remember for the rest of my life, and they were right. I was very proud of myself because I only teared up once the whole night, and that was when my dad hugged me and he was emotional. But other than that, hugging my BEST friends and taking silly pictures with them will always be one of my favorite memories. I can officially say I am a Freshman at Northern Arizona University and I couldn't be MORE excited :) :)

Summer is here and although I haven't done anything THAT exciting..I've spend it mostly with the Fab Five..I love those girls to the ends of the earth and back and I honestly have no idea where I'd be if I didn't have them. I've been going to graduation parties, the beach, hanging out, sleeping in way too late, and laughing. Oh, and getting too sunburned for my own good. It's the beginning of a wonderful summer. Despite all the fun things I've been doing and feeling, I've let the excitement, and the stress of my job get the best of me. I've been finding myself always wanting to do something more exciting, more crazy, more...something. And I've lost track of what's really important.




I feel like I've been putting God on the back burner a little bit. I haven't been talking to Him, and asking Him for help along the way. I haven't even been asking others for help. I feel like I'm sort of at a standstill. I've been here before and I honestly don't like it..hate it even. I know I'm not the only person who has put something worldly, or someone else, or something else before the most important person in our lives. It's a constant struggle, because you want to live your life but you know there's already a plan for you. I've been having to see many people that I've had so much faith and hope in, fall. It makes me so beyond sad and at the same time..makes me think. I think about how strong they used to be in their walk and how suddenly they just aren't anymore. How is it so easy? Because we're putting things before God. Duh..why even ask such a thing.


I was watching a show with my grandparents a few nights ago called the Breakthrough Mansion. This show was incredible. It was heartwrenching and overwhelming. They took about 10 people who have been through horrible childhoods, addictions, and other various problems and they work with them for a week to let go of all the anger, shame, and hurt they've been feeling. I wish I could be apart of something like that. I mean, to see them change and to seem them become happy and feel loved...that's gotta be how God feels when one of His children realize there's someone who loves them, or when they realize that all the things they're doing aren't worth it when there's Someone so much better.

I have many goals for this summer. I want to make it the best I can because I just feel like this is my last one, well, for this part of my life anyway. I want to hang out with everyone that means the most to me and I want to do something worthwhile. Most importantly, I want to prepare myself for college by making God my priority. I feel as though for every good thing that happens to me this summer, it will be because of Him. Thank God for all of His many blessings <3