In between worlds

Being home from college for this long has made it extremely difficult to adjust. I have two world two homes, two different lives now. That is a lot to juggle...

I felt like this whole time of being home I have wanted to spend time with so many different people and make the most of every single day, that I got a little too ahead of myself. As much as it kills me to say this...

things are different.

It will take so long to get used to that. My life as I knew it is pretty much gone. We've all grown up. When I come back home I always expect it to be the same as when I left. As if I put my life on pause and I press play so I can resume where I was. People are different and schedules are different and it's just such a hard thing to grasp. I LOVE where I am, don't get me wrong. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss what I had...and where I was.

I think I just need to learn to love where I am and love looking into the past, but not living in it. It's hard to not live in the past when I am in the town that made me who I am, and every single street reminds me of something, every building connects to a milestone, every house reminds me of someone..but I guess that's the beauty of it. I will always have Temecula. I will always have the place I call home to refer to. But now I have two homes, and Flagstaff is being amazing to me.

As I think back on my break, (seeing as I only have 6 days left of it) I am SO blessed. The things that Southern California has to offer really didn't hit me until today. I am able to go the movies with no problem, spend time with my family in a house, decide to go to Disneyland with one of my best friends at 4 pm, spending time outside with NO jacket in January, go to the beach, and so so much more. I don't know how I am so loved and so blessed, but I'm glad that I am. I have two amazing places that are SO different from each other that I get to call HOME. :)

things are different..and it's a good thing.

I'm grateful for 2011

2011 consisted of so many ups, downs, firsts, lasts, new friends, old friends, successes, failures, love, and loss...but it brought so much to my life. So many lessons learned, so many happy memories, and so much to just be thankful for. I wouldn't have traded it for anything in this world.

I spent my third New Years with Madeline and Kendal. I cannot tell you how much they have blessed my life, they mean the world. We added to our party of three by ringing in the new year with so many people, new and old. It was amazing, and one of my most favorite new years to date. While there, Mad had a great idea of writing down everything that we did, accomplished, loved, and were thankful for in 2011. When it came down to it, I filled up a whole sheet of paper with amazing things, people, etc that happened to m

e in the last year. When you think back and think about only the good things...you are pleasantly surprised with how much you have been given, and how much you've taken for granted. I loved reminiscing about the past and being hopeful about the future.

I have been home for two weeks now, and still have two amazing weeks left. Being home has opened up my eyes to a lot of things. How I took for granted the little things like being able to shower without shoes on, having my own room, a BIG bed, being able to walk into a kitchen to eat, and so on. It also showed me how much I took just being able to give my family a hug, drive ten minutes to see my best friends, and sit around lounging doing absolutely nothing..and how much I took for granted my little sweet town of Temecula.

The thing that also came with being home (and loving it so much) is how I miss being at school. How much I miss being around the girls on my floor, how much I miss spending time with my roommate, and how much I miss the ability to learn who I am. It has been a tough journey, but I know that with everything...it has been one of the biggest and best things that has and will ever happen to me.

My goals and hopes and predictions are far too long to list for this amazing New Year...but I know that with whatever happens, it will be because of God's almighty, perfect, and amazing plan. And I can't be more excited for it!

New Beginnings, take two

Well, I thought I would finally update this now that I am happy again. I went through (in my personal opinion) the worst bump in the road you can go through in college.

It's hard enough starting out not really knowing anyone and trying to be yourself yet so badly wanting to have friends and be accepted. I mentioned earlier how I had friends here that helped me during my first two months of college...well, they turned out being people that I didn't want to spend my time with. They didn't help me grow, or support me in the way that I so badly needed. It is a very long, grueling story that I won't bore you with..but long story sho

rt. I never felt so alone in my life. I literally went to class and came back to room every day.

.and the only reason why I would publicly tell the whole world this, is because I depended on God..He is the ONLY reason why I got through that month stronger than when I started. He used my mom to be my rock, my best friends to let me know that they are always there, my beautiful floormates who have become my best friends, and of course..YoungLife.

I went on a retreat with YoungLife and it was honestly the best thing I have ever experienced. The family that they create, the love of God that is so deeply shared, and how at my weakest..I felt the strongest. God was putting His arms around me to let me know that it will all be okay.

My life here at NAU is definitely different than when I first started. But in the best way possible!

I have a new amazing roommate who helps me, pushes me, and is just as weird as I am. We get along so great and

I couldn't ask for better. My whole hall is amazing. We all click and feed off each others energy is such incredible ways. They accept me for who I am and I don't have to try to be something different. I feel so close to them, and it's only been about a month. They took me in and I couldn't be more

blessed and grateful that they did.

That's just a little inside scoop into my life here! I had an amazing Thanksgiving break at home with my family and best friends and now I will be swamped with finals. 16 days until I am home for a month! EEEP :) Thanks for reading this long recap of my life! I promise I will get better at finding time to write. Love always!

This has gotta be the good life

OKAY well, I have officially been the worst blogger in the entire world. I have been in college for six weeks now and I haven't written one blog. I am so so very sorry about this. It's hard trying to remember everything that I have to catch you all up on but I will begin with the moment my parents dropped me off for good.

I am in the BEAUTIFUL Flagstaff at Northern Arizona University and I can tell you it has been nothing but good to me. When my parents left me I obviously was an emotional wreck, but I had to bounce out of it as fast as possible. That night, I went to dinner at the union with my amazing roommate that I ADORE Kelsea, Andrea (who I met at orientation during the summer), and her roommate Amie. I gotta tell you, these girls have been such a huge blessing to my life. I wouldn't have been able to get through the first few weeks without them. We've been trying to keep busy because that is the best way to not be homesick.

Things I love about living here:

-The weather (though it is bipolar, it is lovely).

-My friends..they are wonderful.

-Bible Study with two amazing ladies that are seniors here, without that my weeks wouldn't be half of what they have been. Those 8 girls already mean the world to me!

-YoungLife...you all know how much this organization means to me, and it is HUGE here. Like, I'm in awe when I walk into the auditorium where I feel close to the two hundred others that are in there. Makes me feel completely at home.

-Being here has given me the chance to appreciate California, my family, and my best friends so much more. Distance has nothin' on that!

-The fact that I can look out any window, and see beautiful mountains topped with snow, with trees full of color right below them.

-The leaves are changing...AHHH! (I know I kinda already said that but..it's exciting).

-My dorm is officially decorated for Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then CHRISTMAS. :)

I'm not going to lie, it has been extremely hard to balance everything and find God and live my life for His glory..but I'm trying. And most importantly I'm growing. I think that is something in itself to be proud of. I miss my friends and family more than anything but when I am home, it makes our time so much more precious and special.

I honestly wish I could give you more of a glimpse into my college life but as the year progresses, I promise I will have more updates! Love and miss you all!

My heart is heavy

My heart is heavy for two reasons. One is because I am so unbelievably blessed with the people that are in my life, I couldn't ask for a better family or a better group of best friends. On the other hand, I know I have to say goodbye to them in a matter of three days. You honestly have no idea how hard that sentence was to even type. I have no idea how I am going to muster the words to say it to them, and hug them tomorrow night.

My family is beyond amazing and they are my best friends. Seeing them every morning when I wake up, telling them about my day, and getting huge hugs from them are going to be what I miss most. Seeing their smiling, and proud faces looking at me..and seeing their love from me not just with their words but with their actions. I can't fathom not living 5 feet from them everyday. I can't fathom not seeing them. I can't fathom not having them there. But I know that they are always there. Always in my heart. And always a phone/skype/text away. I want to make them proud.

I went to Catalina Island with my best friends (also known as the Fab5) and that spoiled me. I

got to spend three straight days with them in a fantastically beautiful place. I couldn't have asked for a better first vacation with them. We are planning to go on one every year. They have shaped me into who I am and I am forever grateful for that. I can't even type up how much they mean to me. They are one hundred percent my sisters and when I am 500 miles away at school, I know for a fact they will be my shoulder (via skype) to cry on, a laugh when I need it, and my rock. God gave me something that will never be able to be compared with them. Our bond is SO ridiculously strong, how could it get better than what we have? It can't.

I also have spent a few days with two girls that mean the world to me. Madeline and Kendal. These two girls will forever hold such a special place in my heart, and will always mean the absolute world to me. are so genuine, and so selfless. They encourage me and are there for me no matter what. You know when people say actions speak louder than words? They are walking actions. I know that sounds so weird, but I've never met two girls that literally show how much they care and also teach me how to be a better person just by living their lives. I am amazed.

How did I get SO lucky?!

I have no idea. But I am so glad that I did. And I am so glad that wherever I end up, and whoever ends up being my friends in Flagstaff..I have them to fall back on. No matter what.

These next few days are going to be ones for the books. I am going to be an emotional wreck but I have to do it. This is how it goes. We live, we learn, we grow up. Right? Prayers for the beginning of my new journey would be SO appreciated. Thanks for being a huge part of my life; to my family and my best friends. And to whoever is reading this. You all are why I've made it this far. <3

Oh, this is how it starts..

I've only really made one big move in my life. And that was my move from New York to California when I was 8. I drove across country with my mom, dad, brother, and my loving dog molly. It was crazy, long, and something I will never forget.

But with that being said, I don't think it was nearly as stressful, sad, and BIG as the one I am about to make in 11 days. How the heck did my countdown go from 98 days to 11 SO FAST?!

I have gone through massive amounts of checklists, bought so many different things for my dorm room, and have started to box things up. I think every time I get something new and add to the huge pile of things I am going to have to squeeze in the back of a van, I see my 18 years of life literally flash before my eyes. It's amazing how precious time is..and how fast it really goes.

I have three complete boxes, and I am beginning to pack all of my clothes. I made a list of necessities I need to get at target with my mom today and I just keep thinking that I am making these lists and packing up all this stuff for someone else..not me. But I am definitely the one moving out.

I have had many freak outs about this scary unknown thing..but seeing others go before me has been sad, but also extremely helpful. I am not alone in this. Everyone is terrified about this next chapter, yet VERY excited. Seeing them go off before me makes me realize that by the time I go away, they will be settled and probably be having the time of their lives. I find so much comfort in that..you have no idea.

I am going on a three day trip with four of my BEST friends in one day..and I could not be MORE excited. This time that I get to spend with the girls that have shaped me into who I am, and who have been the sisters I have never had and always wanted is going to be the most amazing thing ever and I will NOT take it for granted. I keep reminding myself that I will have the ones I love close to heart at all times this year, and I will get the amazing opportunity to see them enough to keep my sanity.

I can officially say that after praying like crazy every night and totally giving it up to God, I feel at peace with it. I know I have an amazing journey ahead and in all honesty, I will bawl my eyes out the day I have to say goodbye to my family and friends...I am ready. Ready as I'll ever be.

This will probably be one of the last blogs I write before I head off to my new life. I might do one more on the last night here in California..but for now..I am spending my whole time with the most amazing people in my life that I am so beyond blessed and undeserving to have! Love and God Bless!

I wish it were that easy

So here I am, in bed thinking..and what do I know how to do best when this happens? Listen to music and blog. Here it goes.

I recently hit a wall. Not just a regular wall, a brick wall. I had my "oh my gosh I am leaving in two and a half weeks and my whole life is going to change" moment. And let me just say, it was not fun. Not only am I freaked out beyond words, I am panicking. I just feel like this whole going away to college and starting a new life is so much easier for everyone else but me. Or maybe that's just the way it seems on the outside?

I've gotten pretty good at hiding how I am feeling about this all up until recently. It's starting to affect my days a little bit more and that in itself is killing me. I don't want to waste the rest of my summer in fear and sadness. That is just a waste of the the two weeks I DO have left. I don't know how to wipe these feelings out and just begin to be excited. Which, I am very excited because I know I am supposed to be going this far away

and I know I have a great year to look forward to. I just can't shake this fear. I know within a couple of months I will be laughing at myself for even having these feelings..I just want to get to that point.

If I could skip the first couple of weeks where I am homesick, don't really know where my group of friends will lie, and everything is so NEW and scary..I would. But I know what you're thinking as you read this...you're not the first to feel this way, you need to go through this because it'll make you who you are, and it will all be worth it. I know all of this. And yet I still just want to skip it.

I have been dying to just feel at peace with it all. And I have had plenty of conversations trying to calm me down and talk me out of it, and yes, they help in the moment. It's when I'm by myself thinking that gets me or when I go downstairs to the room where I have three boxes taped up and ready to be put in the car...that's when I panic.

WHY?! That question haunts me. I just want to know why I can't just feel excited and my list of emotions stops there. I want to be excited. I'm working on it, I really am. My future lies ahead of me and I know it's perfect and will glorify God and I just NEED to have faith in that. Thanks for reading my rant. I appreciate you :)