Everything will be okay..right?

I am a person who likes everything to go smoothly, to find the silver lining in all situations, and to always stay positive. That's not just in everyday life..but with these blogs as well. But I can tell you right now...it's not one of those blogs.

The only thing I know how to do to deal with things is to either talk to someone about it, listen to music in my room and cry, or write about it. None of these things have worked so far. I didn't think it was possible for a heart to hurt this much, or for a knot this big to remain in my stomach for so long. And yet..both those things are with my as I write this.

I know that reading this you are thinking 'what happened?!' and I'm sorry to disappoint, but it will not be mentioned in this post. Only a few people know about this but honestly, I'm trying as hard as I can to deal with something and I don't know how. That's why I'm choosing to blog. I'm hoping it'll take me somewhere else or do something to help me. I've talked with my best friends, I've cried until my eyes have pretty much swollen shut, and I've sat and listened to music. But I haven't listened to God. I can't for some reason. I don't hear Him and I don't know how to. I feel broken and lost and confused. I feel disappointed and embarrassed. I feel like I'm living someone else's life and not my own. How could something like this have so much impact? And most importantly, how come it's happening to me and my family?

I can say whole heartedly that life can literally flip upside down within a matter of seconds. It can turn on a dime and it can make you into a different person. That happened to me because of one decision. One decision that changed everything.

It's the hardest thing in the world looking at someone you love with a new pair of eyes, because of something that happened. Someone that I look up to and love with my whole heart..

I still look up to them and love them with my whole heart, but I honestly just don't know how to act or how to feel or what to say. So I'm left lost. I've been here before and it isn't the best place to be. Everyone keeps telling me that it will be okay, and even though Iknow that to be true..I don't believe it. I feel like no one understands...even the ones who are going through it too. Everyone expects me to be strong like I always am..but I'm the opposite. I'm weak and I'm trying to regain strength. The only thing I know how to do at this point is pray and talk to God. I need Him now more than ever and I need His glory to be enough. I need Him to show me that silver lining, that positive outlook, and the best outcome.

So for now..I have to learn how to let go and move on. And wait for that silver lining.

Here comes the rest of your life

"For every stoplight I didn't make, every chance I did or didn't take..all the nights I went too far, all the boys who broke my heart. All the doors I had to close, all the things I knew but didn't know. I thank God for all I missed..because it led me here to this.."

Well, this post is so long overdue and I'm truly sorry for that. I've had moments and thoughts that I've wanted to blog about for a couple of weeks that I just haven't been able to sit down and write about. So this blog will probably go from happy to sad, to happy, to...I don't know what else. But bear with me. I want to just write.First off, I GRADUATED! Oh my oh my..what a wonderful feeling that is. I blogged many times about how I didn't know how I would feel the day I graduated. Well..I felt amazing. And relieved, and excited, and just happy. It was a long day filled with practice (a very long one at that) all morning, to lunch with my amazing family, to the gym..to the field..to the stage. I loved every second of that day. Everyone told me that it would be a day I would remember for the rest of my life, and they were right. I was very proud of myself because I only teared up once the whole night, and that was when my dad hugged me and he was emotional. But other than that, hugging my BEST friends and taking silly pictures with them will always be one of my favorite memories. I can officially say I am a Freshman at Northern Arizona University and I couldn't be MORE excited :) :)

Summer is here and although I haven't done anything THAT exciting..I've spend it mostly with the Fab Five..I love those girls to the ends of the earth and back and I honestly have no idea where I'd be if I didn't have them. I've been going to graduation parties, the beach, hanging out, sleeping in way too late, and laughing. Oh, and getting too sunburned for my own good. It's the beginning of a wonderful summer. Despite all the fun things I've been doing and feeling, I've let the excitement, and the stress of my job get the best of me. I've been finding myself always wanting to do something more exciting, more crazy, more...something. And I've lost track of what's really important.




I feel like I've been putting God on the back burner a little bit. I haven't been talking to Him, and asking Him for help along the way. I haven't even been asking others for help. I feel like I'm sort of at a standstill. I've been here before and I honestly don't like it..hate it even. I know I'm not the only person who has put something worldly, or someone else, or something else before the most important person in our lives. It's a constant struggle, because you want to live your life but you know there's already a plan for you. I've been having to see many people that I've had so much faith and hope in, fall. It makes me so beyond sad and at the same time..makes me think. I think about how strong they used to be in their walk and how suddenly they just aren't anymore. How is it so easy? Because we're putting things before God. Duh..why even ask such a thing.


I was watching a show with my grandparents a few nights ago called the Breakthrough Mansion. This show was incredible. It was heartwrenching and overwhelming. They took about 10 people who have been through horrible childhoods, addictions, and other various problems and they work with them for a week to let go of all the anger, shame, and hurt they've been feeling. I wish I could be apart of something like that. I mean, to see them change and to seem them become happy and feel loved...that's gotta be how God feels when one of His children realize there's someone who loves them, or when they realize that all the things they're doing aren't worth it when there's Someone so much better.

I have many goals for this summer. I want to make it the best I can because I just feel like this is my last one, well, for this part of my life anyway. I want to hang out with everyone that means the most to me and I want to do something worthwhile. Most importantly, I want to prepare myself for college by making God my priority. I feel as though for every good thing that happens to me this summer, it will be because of Him. Thank God for all of His many blessings <3

See you later

See you later, instead of goodbye. That has been my motto for the past week. It has FINALLY hit me like a ton of bricks that this is it. I have 3 days of high school left, and one week until I am officially a high school graduate. Up until that amazing, sad, exciting, nerve-racking day...I have to think of how to deal with talking to people and writing in their yearbooks without saying goodbye..because I just refuse.

Monday night was one of the hardest nights I've had. It was my final Wyldlife club with some of the greatest middle schoolers that I've spent the past two years with, and it was my last ever Younglife club with the family that has shaped me the past 4 years. I can honestly say that I knew it would be hard...but not nearly as hard as it actually was. Wyldlife club was an emotional one to begin with because it was one of the more intense ones that we've done. We had a beyond amazing singer and friend come play guitar and sing a couple of worship songs...ah, she is just GREAT. :) (thanks Natalie!!) and we played the Everything skit, which is a few blogs down there...but it was just amazing to see the middle schoolers so captivated..God is doing awesome things in their lives and I can't wait to see where life takes them!

Then, we had a little leader dinner for the last time. Ryan and Aliah have been huge parts of my life within the last two years and they gave me a very special card and gift card and said something nice about each of us, which was just great. Finally...Younglife Club rolled around. It started out as a normal club, playing games and such. Until they played a slide show of all the clubs we've had this year..with graduation songs in it. That's when I began to feel every rush of emotion rolled into one. Hahah. It was senior night so the songs, and a lot of different things were all related to the seniors. Ryan called the seniors up to receive a Younglife pin to wear on our gowns and that's when we lost it. I then had to start giving hugs and say the word "goodbye, but we WILL see each other!" to many people who I absolutely adore.

I know I've talked about Younglife in nearly every single post..but I can't begin to explain what Younglife and the people in it, has done for me in the last 4 years. The words "it changed my life" is an understatement. I would NOT be the person I am today without it. So sitting there for the last time was the hardest thing I will probably have to say goodbye to this year. I am so so so blessed for the family it gave me and the things I learned. It will forever be the best part of my high school career and I can't believe it's all over. I can look back and truly know that God purposely put it and everyone in it in my life for a reason. So. Amazing.

Today, I had to say goodbye to my first grade class that I've been working with the past 12 weeks. Oh BOY are they great. One of the girls, Elyssa, got me a dog that had a graduation cap on and it was adorable. They also all wrote me letters and my teacher gave me a card/gift card. I was overwhelmed with love from each of them and I'm so thankful I got to have that experience and feel like I made a difference in their life. That will be one of my favorite memories from Senior year and my heart is just so happy :)

As I finish out these last 3 days strong, I will sign all the yearbooks as if I will be seeing them next year. It's going to be an emotional rollercoaster but I one hundred percent know that I am SO EXCITED to graduate from Chaparral High School on May 26th :) :) I will have a full report after that exciting, amazing day. Then, I will be officially college bound!

See you later :)

It's all beginning to end

Boy oh boy..I have never been more happier to be a senior than I am right now. These past two weeks have been nothing short of AMAZING. I am finally realizing that I may actually miss all this. I never thought I would actually want to turn back time while in high school, until now.

I will start with Prom. May 7, 2011. What a night to remember. I got to spend it with the best people ever and I couldn't have asked for anything better!

We started out taking goofy and crazy pictures at Ponte Winery then headed to Dana Point for dinner at Salt Creek Grille, which was RIGHT by the ocean and so beautiful.
Then, we headed towards the venue but before that, a firetruck picked us up. YES, a firetruck took all of us to our Senior Prom..legit? Oh you know it.

We all danced the night away and it was great..but one of my favorite parts about this dance was just relaxing by the firepit or dancing to the jazz band on the upper deck with all my friends and my wonderful date. We ended this fantastic night at a hotel where we talked, laughed, and hung out. I have the BEST friends ever and I'm so blessed :)

Next, was Disney Grad Night. May 12th-May 13th. I'm not going to lie, I was a little afraid that I was going to be WAY too tired, and end up not having that much fun. But it was the complete opposite. Haha.

Before we went to the school, Hannah, Amanda, and I went to Starbucks to get some caffeine. We each got drinks that had 4 shots of expresso in it..umm yeah. Then on our way we had some 5 hour energy drinks, so basically we were wired. Hahah. But this truly lasted me all night long. The bus ride was fun, happy, and so enthusiastic. Bus number 5 killed it. Just saying. My group that I was with all night was fantastic, and was all about 20 people. So going on rides was insane and fun..because we all managed to stay together. The first ride we decided to go on (which everyone else did too) was Space Mountain. We literally were trampled from all the people but was it worth it? Oh yeah. We also hit the dance floors through out the night which was also incredible. Never thought I would go dancing at 2 in the morning in Disneyland. BUT I did.
I was going strong until about 4:15 am..then I started to crash. I ended up taking a couple of twenty minute power naps and then finally headed back to the bus at about 5:15. You could say that after I showered and ate something, I crashed at about 8:00 am until 3:00 pm. Disney Grad Night=COMPLETE success. Thanks to my lovely group for making it so amazing :)

I have seven school days, and twelve full days until I graduate. I know I've posted how ready, and excited, and also about how I can't believe it..but at this very moment..those emotions are at and all time high. My brain literally can't wrap my brain around it. But I know that I will have these memories to look back on forever..and I'm so glad that they were amazing ones. :)

Just Be

I've been thinking about Work Crew a lot lately. It will be two years in July since I spent the hardest, most amazing three weeks of my life with the greatest people on earth. It doesn't seem real to me that THAT much time has gone by. I had just finished my Sophomore year when I left for Oregon and now I'm graduating. Too crazy for me to wrap my head around.

Anyway, the reason why I've been thinking about it is because every time I'm handed something painful, or a really hard situation when I feel my weakest, I remember how much I grew that summer and how hard I worked all for God's glory. I often times take for granted the people that I met and how they are continuing to help me grow..even from all over the United States.

Throughout that summer I learned how to be who I am, accept who I am, and really know what it's like to put my all in something that is so much bigger than myself. As a housekeeping team, our theme of the session was 'Just Be'..I think that I run around like a chicken with my head chopped off WAY too much. I let stress get the best of me and I honestly try to juggle way too many things at once. I really truly feel like I can do it all on my own and I keep getting signs saying that I can't. I know I can't. I sometimes will have to rely on others to keep me in check, and I will have to let go of what I cannot control.

I think this may be one of my biggest flaws. I let everything consume me to the point where I eventually break down. I can't do that anymore. I have to let it be. and just be. So that is my new thought process when I get way too overwhelmed for my own good. Haha.

Prom is this Saturday and we FINALLY have it all worked out. I'm going with every single one of my closest and dearest friends and I cannot wait. :) All this craziness will definitely pay off after this night I will never forget.

Don't forget to breathe...cause I kinda forget to every once in a while.

Stressed is desserts spelled backwards

I don't like the word stressed. And I have come to realize that it is desserts spelled backwards. It really isn't worth it to stress about little things, but yet I continue to do so. And I can't seem to figure out why? I feel like the picture above describes how I've been feeling lately. A little lost, a little broken, a little confused, but still have so much love to give.

This week has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. From school, to friends, to finding a job, and figuring out prom and concerts this summer...I was at my breaking point. My friends realized this and tried to help, but it wasn't working..I just needed my moment to regain strength. Then I realized I had been carrying the weight of the world on MY shoulders when I really should have given them to God. I've realized that there are reasons for why people come in and out of our lives, they all have something to offer and something to teach us. But you know what the worst part of them not being in your life anymore is? They take a piece of your heart. I know that sounds cliche...but I truly mean that. It feels almost as if they died, because you never get what you once had back, and you know at one point..you may never see them again. It seems depressing and I don't want this post to be like that. That's what I love about my religion. It's not just a religion, it's a relationship. And it's an amazing love story..

God started working His wonderful magic at the right time..because everything started finally falling into place. School is still stressful, but I only have 33 days left. I can do it. Friends are fantastic and I have an AMAZING group to go with at prom (which is also all figured out..finally!) AND I got a job! You're looking at the newest member of Whimsical..a frozen yogurt/gelato place! My first day is tomorrow and I'm really excited :) Hopefully I don't mess up..haha.

But anyway, this post isn't too long nor very insightful..but I just wanted this post to be about the joyous things going on in my life! I will have a better one soon, promise. Hope everyone is doing fantastic and enjoying life. Much love <3

Defying Gravity

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap! It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity..I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down."

This song is from the Broadway play Wicked, and if you haven't seen it yet..please change that, immediately. The lyric up there is self explanatory so this blog needs no explanation. It's late and I feel as though this sums up my thoughts. Along with that, me, Courtney, Amanda, and Hannah BLASTED this song on the way home from an adventurous night after seeing Hailey get her award. Honestly, one of my favorite things is being with my best friends, singing loud ridiculous songs with the windows down. I'm so very blessed :)

And no one's gunna bring me down..