My heart is heavy

My heart is heavy for two reasons. One is because I am so unbelievably blessed with the people that are in my life, I couldn't ask for a better family or a better group of best friends. On the other hand, I know I have to say goodbye to them in a matter of three days. You honestly have no idea how hard that sentence was to even type. I have no idea how I am going to muster the words to say it to them, and hug them tomorrow night.

My family is beyond amazing and they are my best friends. Seeing them every morning when I wake up, telling them about my day, and getting huge hugs from them are going to be what I miss most. Seeing their smiling, and proud faces looking at me..and seeing their love from me not just with their words but with their actions. I can't fathom not living 5 feet from them everyday. I can't fathom not seeing them. I can't fathom not having them there. But I know that they are always there. Always in my heart. And always a phone/skype/text away. I want to make them proud.

I went to Catalina Island with my best friends (also known as the Fab5) and that spoiled me. I

got to spend three straight days with them in a fantastically beautiful place. I couldn't have asked for a better first vacation with them. We are planning to go on one every year. They have shaped me into who I am and I am forever grateful for that. I can't even type up how much they mean to me. They are one hundred percent my sisters and when I am 500 miles away at school, I know for a fact they will be my shoulder (via skype) to cry on, a laugh when I need it, and my rock. God gave me something that will never be able to be compared with them. Our bond is SO ridiculously strong, how could it get better than what we have? It can't.

I also have spent a few days with two girls that mean the world to me. Madeline and Kendal. These two girls will forever hold such a special place in my heart, and will always mean the absolute world to me. are so genuine, and so selfless. They encourage me and are there for me no matter what. You know when people say actions speak louder than words? They are walking actions. I know that sounds so weird, but I've never met two girls that literally show how much they care and also teach me how to be a better person just by living their lives. I am amazed.

How did I get SO lucky?!

I have no idea. But I am so glad that I did. And I am so glad that wherever I end up, and whoever ends up being my friends in Flagstaff..I have them to fall back on. No matter what.

These next few days are going to be ones for the books. I am going to be an emotional wreck but I have to do it. This is how it goes. We live, we learn, we grow up. Right? Prayers for the beginning of my new journey would be SO appreciated. Thanks for being a huge part of my life; to my family and my best friends. And to whoever is reading this. You all are why I've made it this far. <3

Oh, this is how it starts..

I've only really made one big move in my life. And that was my move from New York to California when I was 8. I drove across country with my mom, dad, brother, and my loving dog molly. It was crazy, long, and something I will never forget.

But with that being said, I don't think it was nearly as stressful, sad, and BIG as the one I am about to make in 11 days. How the heck did my countdown go from 98 days to 11 SO FAST?!

I have gone through massive amounts of checklists, bought so many different things for my dorm room, and have started to box things up. I think every time I get something new and add to the huge pile of things I am going to have to squeeze in the back of a van, I see my 18 years of life literally flash before my eyes. It's amazing how precious time is..and how fast it really goes.

I have three complete boxes, and I am beginning to pack all of my clothes. I made a list of necessities I need to get at target with my mom today and I just keep thinking that I am making these lists and packing up all this stuff for someone else..not me. But I am definitely the one moving out.

I have had many freak outs about this scary unknown thing..but seeing others go before me has been sad, but also extremely helpful. I am not alone in this. Everyone is terrified about this next chapter, yet VERY excited. Seeing them go off before me makes me realize that by the time I go away, they will be settled and probably be having the time of their lives. I find so much comfort in that..you have no idea.

I am going on a three day trip with four of my BEST friends in one day..and I could not be MORE excited. This time that I get to spend with the girls that have shaped me into who I am, and who have been the sisters I have never had and always wanted is going to be the most amazing thing ever and I will NOT take it for granted. I keep reminding myself that I will have the ones I love close to heart at all times this year, and I will get the amazing opportunity to see them enough to keep my sanity.

I can officially say that after praying like crazy every night and totally giving it up to God, I feel at peace with it. I know I have an amazing journey ahead and in all honesty, I will bawl my eyes out the day I have to say goodbye to my family and friends...I am ready. Ready as I'll ever be.

This will probably be one of the last blogs I write before I head off to my new life. I might do one more on the last night here in California..but for now..I am spending my whole time with the most amazing people in my life that I am so beyond blessed and undeserving to have! Love and God Bless!

I wish it were that easy

So here I am, in bed thinking..and what do I know how to do best when this happens? Listen to music and blog. Here it goes.

I recently hit a wall. Not just a regular wall, a brick wall. I had my "oh my gosh I am leaving in two and a half weeks and my whole life is going to change" moment. And let me just say, it was not fun. Not only am I freaked out beyond words, I am panicking. I just feel like this whole going away to college and starting a new life is so much easier for everyone else but me. Or maybe that's just the way it seems on the outside?

I've gotten pretty good at hiding how I am feeling about this all up until recently. It's starting to affect my days a little bit more and that in itself is killing me. I don't want to waste the rest of my summer in fear and sadness. That is just a waste of the the two weeks I DO have left. I don't know how to wipe these feelings out and just begin to be excited. Which, I am very excited because I know I am supposed to be going this far away

and I know I have a great year to look forward to. I just can't shake this fear. I know within a couple of months I will be laughing at myself for even having these feelings..I just want to get to that point.

If I could skip the first couple of weeks where I am homesick, don't really know where my group of friends will lie, and everything is so NEW and scary..I would. But I know what you're thinking as you read this...you're not the first to feel this way, you need to go through this because it'll make you who you are, and it will all be worth it. I know all of this. And yet I still just want to skip it.

I have been dying to just feel at peace with it all. And I have had plenty of conversations trying to calm me down and talk me out of it, and yes, they help in the moment. It's when I'm by myself thinking that gets me or when I go downstairs to the room where I have three boxes taped up and ready to be put in the car...that's when I panic.

WHY?! That question haunts me. I just want to know why I can't just feel excited and my list of emotions stops there. I want to be excited. I'm working on it, I really am. My future lies ahead of me and I know it's perfect and will glorify God and I just NEED to have faith in that. Thanks for reading my rant. I appreciate you :)

Your hands

When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands ♥

A couple of nights ago, I had the incredible opportunity to go to a JJ Heller concert in LA at Calvary Chapel. It was SO amazing. For one, I got to spend the day with some of my favorite people. And two, it brought me back home. JJ has the talent to feel exactly what she is feeling, and exactly what she is thinking when she sings with her absolutely glorious voice.

Each song catered to every feeling I was feeling and just captivated me. She went from singing how thankful she was to how she needs to let go of control, to letting God choose her steps, to the best love story of all time. I couldn't be more thankful that God blessed me with music that is all about Him. Because I feel as though listening to music about Him REALLY makes sense. And all I want to do is praise Him. It was just such a wonderful feeling and I loved it. The lyrics above are about how even when your world feels at it's lowest, you are still in God's hands and He WILL take care of you. That's one message I definitely needed to hear.

My night continued to get better when I drove around with the windows down, blasting music goofing off with the ones I LOVE. Probably my favorite thing to do with my best friends. I'm going to miss that so much this year.

On the way back home, the four of us had some GREAT and much needed heart to hearts about the future and how tough it's going to be. But I couldn't be happier with who God put into my life. I have sisters, motivators, encouragements, and humor in them and I can't express how much that means to me. I am just so darn blessed and I love them to death :) I love knowing I have people in my life that I KNOW will never leave me, and ones that will always be in my life. It is such a great feeling, and it took a lot to get here.

I leave in 3 weeks, and I am going to make the MOST of my time left here. There are so many things I am going to miss, but I know God has my journey planned and I just need to let Him teach me and grow with me. I love life :)

It's simple, really..

There are a thousand of reasons to smile, just pick one.

Two Different Plans

Planning. There is the type of plan where you map out what you want to do with your day, and who to spend it with. Then, there's the plan where you map out your life. When you want to finish college, get married, have kids, travel...the list continues. I think everyone has a road map in their head of how they want their life to go and turn out. I also know that we have no say in the matter.

God has this plan set out for us on a canvas..how He wants every little detail of our life to go. Honestly, being a believer, I think this may be the single hardest thing to wrap my head around. Just when I think I am following God's will and plan for me and I am almost one hundred percent sure that's how He wants it go...He throws a curveball.

I've gotten a couple of curveballs thrown my way in the last few days. For one, the roommate I had planned to room with isn't going to Northern Arizona University anymore. I thought for sure we were gonna take the campus by a storm together, but God wanted something different for the both of us. He blessed me with a new roommate and although it will be hard to start over and learn so much about a new person, I am so excited to start my journey. The other thing, was that Whimsical, the frozen yogurt/gelato place I work at is going out of business. It was sudden and abrupt and my last day ever will be this Friday. That was an excellent first job, even through all the struggles of it. What I am going to miss most is the time I got to spend with the girls that worked there. Talking about our lives in between customers, and having the funniest moments happen to us. It will be hard to say goodbye, and I thought I still had a few weeks before I had to do that. But like I said, God has different plans than what we expect.

I talked to my best friends about this and they helped me get such a clear understanding as to why. I firmly believe that God changes things when we get too comfortable. He didn't intend for us to just go with the flow and live life behind the scenes. He wants us to go out of our little box and actually do something worthwhile. I'm not sure what that is for me yet, and I may not know for a long time, if ever. But what I do know, is I have to trust and have faith in His plan for me. No matter how terrifying or crazy or uncertain it is.

So it's time for me to REALLY start my next chapter and prepare myself for the future. I leave in exactly a month. Here's to the rest of my life!

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future." -Proverbs 31:25

I wouldn't want to be anybody else

So it's technically Monday as I write this post..BUT I get to go to New York Tuesday morning (bright and early) and I couldn't be MORE stoked. I have two places that I would classify as my all time favorite places. One being Washington Family Ranch (a YL camp where I worked) and the other being my Grandparents cabin. No words can explain how much I love this place. And for those of you that DON'T know..I grew up in New York, so this place is like my second home.

Not only does it have 18 years (well, more than that..but that's how long I've been going there) worth of memories, it is one hundred percent breathtaking and beautiful. If you don't believe God created it when you look at it, then you're crazy.

My favorite childhood memories have been at this camp and it literally has shaped me into who I am today. Getting away in such a seclusive place with my amazing family has got to be one of the best things in the world. I can't wait to kayak down the river, canoe with my Grandpa, hike down the rocks, make fudge with my aunt, make doughnuts with my Grandparents, read, relax, and enjoy God's amazing gift that He gave me and my family.

I couldn't be MORE blessed, overjoyed, and ecstatic to be there in two days. To show you bits and pieces of what I'm talking about...here's some pictures. Enjoy :)

See you in a little over a week California, New York will have my heart :)