In between worlds

Being home from college for this long has made it extremely difficult to adjust. I have two world two homes, two different lives now. That is a lot to juggle...

I felt like this whole time of being home I have wanted to spend time with so many different people and make the most of every single day, that I got a little too ahead of myself. As much as it kills me to say this...

things are different.

It will take so long to get used to that. My life as I knew it is pretty much gone. We've all grown up. When I come back home I always expect it to be the same as when I left. As if I put my life on pause and I press play so I can resume where I was. People are different and schedules are different and it's just such a hard thing to grasp. I LOVE where I am, don't get me wrong. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss what I had...and where I was.

I think I just need to learn to love where I am and love looking into the past, but not living in it. It's hard to not live in the past when I am in the town that made me who I am, and every single street reminds me of something, every building connects to a milestone, every house reminds me of someone..but I guess that's the beauty of it. I will always have Temecula. I will always have the place I call home to refer to. But now I have two homes, and Flagstaff is being amazing to me.

As I think back on my break, (seeing as I only have 6 days left of it) I am SO blessed. The things that Southern California has to offer really didn't hit me until today. I am able to go the movies with no problem, spend time with my family in a house, decide to go to Disneyland with one of my best friends at 4 pm, spending time outside with NO jacket in January, go to the beach, and so so much more. I don't know how I am so loved and so blessed, but I'm glad that I am. I have two amazing places that are SO different from each other that I get to call HOME. :)

things are different..and it's a good thing.

I'm grateful for 2011

2011 consisted of so many ups, downs, firsts, lasts, new friends, old friends, successes, failures, love, and loss...but it brought so much to my life. So many lessons learned, so many happy memories, and so much to just be thankful for. I wouldn't have traded it for anything in this world.

I spent my third New Years with Madeline and Kendal. I cannot tell you how much they have blessed my life, they mean the world. We added to our party of three by ringing in the new year with so many people, new and old. It was amazing, and one of my most favorite new years to date. While there, Mad had a great idea of writing down everything that we did, accomplished, loved, and were thankful for in 2011. When it came down to it, I filled up a whole sheet of paper with amazing things, people, etc that happened to m

e in the last year. When you think back and think about only the good things...you are pleasantly surprised with how much you have been given, and how much you've taken for granted. I loved reminiscing about the past and being hopeful about the future.

I have been home for two weeks now, and still have two amazing weeks left. Being home has opened up my eyes to a lot of things. How I took for granted the little things like being able to shower without shoes on, having my own room, a BIG bed, being able to walk into a kitchen to eat, and so on. It also showed me how much I took just being able to give my family a hug, drive ten minutes to see my best friends, and sit around lounging doing absolutely nothing..and how much I took for granted my little sweet town of Temecula.

The thing that also came with being home (and loving it so much) is how I miss being at school. How much I miss being around the girls on my floor, how much I miss spending time with my roommate, and how much I miss the ability to learn who I am. It has been a tough journey, but I know that with everything...it has been one of the biggest and best things that has and will ever happen to me.

My goals and hopes and predictions are far too long to list for this amazing New Year...but I know that with whatever happens, it will be because of God's almighty, perfect, and amazing plan. And I can't be more excited for it!

New Beginnings, take two

Well, I thought I would finally update this now that I am happy again. I went through (in my personal opinion) the worst bump in the road you can go through in college.

It's hard enough starting out not really knowing anyone and trying to be yourself yet so badly wanting to have friends and be accepted. I mentioned earlier how I had friends here that helped me during my first two months of college...well, they turned out being people that I didn't want to spend my time with. They didn't help me grow, or support me in the way that I so badly needed. It is a very long, grueling story that I won't bore you with..but long story sho

rt. I never felt so alone in my life. I literally went to class and came back to room every day.

.and the only reason why I would publicly tell the whole world this, is because I depended on God..He is the ONLY reason why I got through that month stronger than when I started. He used my mom to be my rock, my best friends to let me know that they are always there, my beautiful floormates who have become my best friends, and of course..YoungLife.

I went on a retreat with YoungLife and it was honestly the best thing I have ever experienced. The family that they create, the love of God that is so deeply shared, and how at my weakest..I felt the strongest. God was putting His arms around me to let me know that it will all be okay.

My life here at NAU is definitely different than when I first started. But in the best way possible!

I have a new amazing roommate who helps me, pushes me, and is just as weird as I am. We get along so great and

I couldn't ask for better. My whole hall is amazing. We all click and feed off each others energy is such incredible ways. They accept me for who I am and I don't have to try to be something different. I feel so close to them, and it's only been about a month. They took me in and I couldn't be more

blessed and grateful that they did.

That's just a little inside scoop into my life here! I had an amazing Thanksgiving break at home with my family and best friends and now I will be swamped with finals. 16 days until I am home for a month! EEEP :) Thanks for reading this long recap of my life! I promise I will get better at finding time to write. Love always!

This has gotta be the good life

OKAY well, I have officially been the worst blogger in the entire world. I have been in college for six weeks now and I haven't written one blog. I am so so very sorry about this. It's hard trying to remember everything that I have to catch you all up on but I will begin with the moment my parents dropped me off for good.

I am in the BEAUTIFUL Flagstaff at Northern Arizona University and I can tell you it has been nothing but good to me. When my parents left me I obviously was an emotional wreck, but I had to bounce out of it as fast as possible. That night, I went to dinner at the union with my amazing roommate that I ADORE Kelsea, Andrea (who I met at orientation during the summer), and her roommate Amie. I gotta tell you, these girls have been such a huge blessing to my life. I wouldn't have been able to get through the first few weeks without them. We've been trying to keep busy because that is the best way to not be homesick.

Things I love about living here:

-The weather (though it is bipolar, it is lovely).

-My friends..they are wonderful.

-Bible Study with two amazing ladies that are seniors here, without that my weeks wouldn't be half of what they have been. Those 8 girls already mean the world to me!

-YoungLife...you all know how much this organization means to me, and it is HUGE here. Like, I'm in awe when I walk into the auditorium where I feel close to the two hundred others that are in there. Makes me feel completely at home.

-Being here has given me the chance to appreciate California, my family, and my best friends so much more. Distance has nothin' on that!

-The fact that I can look out any window, and see beautiful mountains topped with snow, with trees full of color right below them.

-The leaves are changing...AHHH! (I know I kinda already said that but..it's exciting).

-My dorm is officially decorated for Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then CHRISTMAS. :)

I'm not going to lie, it has been extremely hard to balance everything and find God and live my life for His glory..but I'm trying. And most importantly I'm growing. I think that is something in itself to be proud of. I miss my friends and family more than anything but when I am home, it makes our time so much more precious and special.

I honestly wish I could give you more of a glimpse into my college life but as the year progresses, I promise I will have more updates! Love and miss you all!

My heart is heavy

My heart is heavy for two reasons. One is because I am so unbelievably blessed with the people that are in my life, I couldn't ask for a better family or a better group of best friends. On the other hand, I know I have to say goodbye to them in a matter of three days. You honestly have no idea how hard that sentence was to even type. I have no idea how I am going to muster the words to say it to them, and hug them tomorrow night.

My family is beyond amazing and they are my best friends. Seeing them every morning when I wake up, telling them about my day, and getting huge hugs from them are going to be what I miss most. Seeing their smiling, and proud faces looking at me..and seeing their love from me not just with their words but with their actions. I can't fathom not living 5 feet from them everyday. I can't fathom not seeing them. I can't fathom not having them there. But I know that they are always there. Always in my heart. And always a phone/skype/text away. I want to make them proud.

I went to Catalina Island with my best friends (also known as the Fab5) and that spoiled me. I

got to spend three straight days with them in a fantastically beautiful place. I couldn't have asked for a better first vacation with them. We are planning to go on one every year. They have shaped me into who I am and I am forever grateful for that. I can't even type up how much they mean to me. They are one hundred percent my sisters and when I am 500 miles away at school, I know for a fact they will be my shoulder (via skype) to cry on, a laugh when I need it, and my rock. God gave me something that will never be able to be compared with them. Our bond is SO ridiculously strong, how could it get better than what we have? It can't.

I also have spent a few days with two girls that mean the world to me. Madeline and Kendal. These two girls will forever hold such a special place in my heart, and will always mean the absolute world to me. are so genuine, and so selfless. They encourage me and are there for me no matter what. You know when people say actions speak louder than words? They are walking actions. I know that sounds so weird, but I've never met two girls that literally show how much they care and also teach me how to be a better person just by living their lives. I am amazed.

How did I get SO lucky?!

I have no idea. But I am so glad that I did. And I am so glad that wherever I end up, and whoever ends up being my friends in Flagstaff..I have them to fall back on. No matter what.

These next few days are going to be ones for the books. I am going to be an emotional wreck but I have to do it. This is how it goes. We live, we learn, we grow up. Right? Prayers for the beginning of my new journey would be SO appreciated. Thanks for being a huge part of my life; to my family and my best friends. And to whoever is reading this. You all are why I've made it this far. <3

Oh, this is how it starts..

I've only really made one big move in my life. And that was my move from New York to California when I was 8. I drove across country with my mom, dad, brother, and my loving dog molly. It was crazy, long, and something I will never forget.

But with that being said, I don't think it was nearly as stressful, sad, and BIG as the one I am about to make in 11 days. How the heck did my countdown go from 98 days to 11 SO FAST?!

I have gone through massive amounts of checklists, bought so many different things for my dorm room, and have started to box things up. I think every time I get something new and add to the huge pile of things I am going to have to squeeze in the back of a van, I see my 18 years of life literally flash before my eyes. It's amazing how precious time is..and how fast it really goes.

I have three complete boxes, and I am beginning to pack all of my clothes. I made a list of necessities I need to get at target with my mom today and I just keep thinking that I am making these lists and packing up all this stuff for someone else..not me. But I am definitely the one moving out.

I have had many freak outs about this scary unknown thing..but seeing others go before me has been sad, but also extremely helpful. I am not alone in this. Everyone is terrified about this next chapter, yet VERY excited. Seeing them go off before me makes me realize that by the time I go away, they will be settled and probably be having the time of their lives. I find so much comfort in that..you have no idea.

I am going on a three day trip with four of my BEST friends in one day..and I could not be MORE excited. This time that I get to spend with the girls that have shaped me into who I am, and who have been the sisters I have never had and always wanted is going to be the most amazing thing ever and I will NOT take it for granted. I keep reminding myself that I will have the ones I love close to heart at all times this year, and I will get the amazing opportunity to see them enough to keep my sanity.

I can officially say that after praying like crazy every night and totally giving it up to God, I feel at peace with it. I know I have an amazing journey ahead and in all honesty, I will bawl my eyes out the day I have to say goodbye to my family and friends...I am ready. Ready as I'll ever be.

This will probably be one of the last blogs I write before I head off to my new life. I might do one more on the last night here in California..but for now..I am spending my whole time with the most amazing people in my life that I am so beyond blessed and undeserving to have! Love and God Bless!

I wish it were that easy

So here I am, in bed thinking..and what do I know how to do best when this happens? Listen to music and blog. Here it goes.

I recently hit a wall. Not just a regular wall, a brick wall. I had my "oh my gosh I am leaving in two and a half weeks and my whole life is going to change" moment. And let me just say, it was not fun. Not only am I freaked out beyond words, I am panicking. I just feel like this whole going away to college and starting a new life is so much easier for everyone else but me. Or maybe that's just the way it seems on the outside?

I've gotten pretty good at hiding how I am feeling about this all up until recently. It's starting to affect my days a little bit more and that in itself is killing me. I don't want to waste the rest of my summer in fear and sadness. That is just a waste of the the two weeks I DO have left. I don't know how to wipe these feelings out and just begin to be excited. Which, I am very excited because I know I am supposed to be going this far away

and I know I have a great year to look forward to. I just can't shake this fear. I know within a couple of months I will be laughing at myself for even having these feelings..I just want to get to that point.

If I could skip the first couple of weeks where I am homesick, don't really know where my group of friends will lie, and everything is so NEW and scary..I would. But I know what you're thinking as you read this...you're not the first to feel this way, you need to go through this because it'll make you who you are, and it will all be worth it. I know all of this. And yet I still just want to skip it.

I have been dying to just feel at peace with it all. And I have had plenty of conversations trying to calm me down and talk me out of it, and yes, they help in the moment. It's when I'm by myself thinking that gets me or when I go downstairs to the room where I have three boxes taped up and ready to be put in the car...that's when I panic.

WHY?! That question haunts me. I just want to know why I can't just feel excited and my list of emotions stops there. I want to be excited. I'm working on it, I really am. My future lies ahead of me and I know it's perfect and will glorify God and I just NEED to have faith in that. Thanks for reading my rant. I appreciate you :)

Your hands

When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your hands ♥

A couple of nights ago, I had the incredible opportunity to go to a JJ Heller concert in LA at Calvary Chapel. It was SO amazing. For one, I got to spend the day with some of my favorite people. And two, it brought me back home. JJ has the talent to feel exactly what she is feeling, and exactly what she is thinking when she sings with her absolutely glorious voice.

Each song catered to every feeling I was feeling and just captivated me. She went from singing how thankful she was to how she needs to let go of control, to letting God choose her steps, to the best love story of all time. I couldn't be more thankful that God blessed me with music that is all about Him. Because I feel as though listening to music about Him REALLY makes sense. And all I want to do is praise Him. It was just such a wonderful feeling and I loved it. The lyrics above are about how even when your world feels at it's lowest, you are still in God's hands and He WILL take care of you. That's one message I definitely needed to hear.

My night continued to get better when I drove around with the windows down, blasting music goofing off with the ones I LOVE. Probably my favorite thing to do with my best friends. I'm going to miss that so much this year.

On the way back home, the four of us had some GREAT and much needed heart to hearts about the future and how tough it's going to be. But I couldn't be happier with who God put into my life. I have sisters, motivators, encouragements, and humor in them and I can't express how much that means to me. I am just so darn blessed and I love them to death :) I love knowing I have people in my life that I KNOW will never leave me, and ones that will always be in my life. It is such a great feeling, and it took a lot to get here.

I leave in 3 weeks, and I am going to make the MOST of my time left here. There are so many things I am going to miss, but I know God has my journey planned and I just need to let Him teach me and grow with me. I love life :)

It's simple, really..

There are a thousand of reasons to smile, just pick one.

Two Different Plans

Planning. There is the type of plan where you map out what you want to do with your day, and who to spend it with. Then, there's the plan where you map out your life. When you want to finish college, get married, have kids, travel...the list continues. I think everyone has a road map in their head of how they want their life to go and turn out. I also know that we have no say in the matter.

God has this plan set out for us on a canvas..how He wants every little detail of our life to go. Honestly, being a believer, I think this may be the single hardest thing to wrap my head around. Just when I think I am following God's will and plan for me and I am almost one hundred percent sure that's how He wants it go...He throws a curveball.

I've gotten a couple of curveballs thrown my way in the last few days. For one, the roommate I had planned to room with isn't going to Northern Arizona University anymore. I thought for sure we were gonna take the campus by a storm together, but God wanted something different for the both of us. He blessed me with a new roommate and although it will be hard to start over and learn so much about a new person, I am so excited to start my journey. The other thing, was that Whimsical, the frozen yogurt/gelato place I work at is going out of business. It was sudden and abrupt and my last day ever will be this Friday. That was an excellent first job, even through all the struggles of it. What I am going to miss most is the time I got to spend with the girls that worked there. Talking about our lives in between customers, and having the funniest moments happen to us. It will be hard to say goodbye, and I thought I still had a few weeks before I had to do that. But like I said, God has different plans than what we expect.

I talked to my best friends about this and they helped me get such a clear understanding as to why. I firmly believe that God changes things when we get too comfortable. He didn't intend for us to just go with the flow and live life behind the scenes. He wants us to go out of our little box and actually do something worthwhile. I'm not sure what that is for me yet, and I may not know for a long time, if ever. But what I do know, is I have to trust and have faith in His plan for me. No matter how terrifying or crazy or uncertain it is.

So it's time for me to REALLY start my next chapter and prepare myself for the future. I leave in exactly a month. Here's to the rest of my life!

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and she laughs without fear of the future." -Proverbs 31:25

I wouldn't want to be anybody else

So it's technically Monday as I write this post..BUT I get to go to New York Tuesday morning (bright and early) and I couldn't be MORE stoked. I have two places that I would classify as my all time favorite places. One being Washington Family Ranch (a YL camp where I worked) and the other being my Grandparents cabin. No words can explain how much I love this place. And for those of you that DON'T know..I grew up in New York, so this place is like my second home.

Not only does it have 18 years (well, more than that..but that's how long I've been going there) worth of memories, it is one hundred percent breathtaking and beautiful. If you don't believe God created it when you look at it, then you're crazy.

My favorite childhood memories have been at this camp and it literally has shaped me into who I am today. Getting away in such a seclusive place with my amazing family has got to be one of the best things in the world. I can't wait to kayak down the river, canoe with my Grandpa, hike down the rocks, make fudge with my aunt, make doughnuts with my Grandparents, read, relax, and enjoy God's amazing gift that He gave me and my family.

I couldn't be MORE blessed, overjoyed, and ecstatic to be there in two days. To show you bits and pieces of what I'm talking about...here's some pictures. Enjoy :)

See you in a little over a week California, New York will have my heart :)

Strength

I've started writing about 3 different posts about the past month of my life, but I never finished any of them. And when I signed back in because I have every intention of posting a blog, because I haven't in forever, I always start a new one because new stuff has happened to me. It's a vicious cycle that I am putting a stop to right now. :)

I'm going to list the things that I have been up to and the things that I am thankful for because I want to make this post worthwhile as well as just stating what I have been doing. Cause I mean, in all honesty, who cares? Haha. But this is my blog and I'm going to anyway. Sooo here it goes..

-I got to spend 3 days at my future home with my future roommate. Northern Arizona University is absolutely beautiful and I can't believe I get to live there this Fall with an amazing roommate! I also

had the incredible chance to meet a few incredible

girls! I can't wait for my journey to begin, even if I am

nervous/scared/anxious. It will be incredible.

-Long, in depth conversations with those who

matter. Whether it be a funny one, or one to help or heal..they are all spectacular.

-The FAIR with two of the best ladies in the entire world..Kendal and Madeline. They are angels from Heaven, literally. I am at my best and my happiest when I get to spend a whole d

ay with them. They teach me, help me, and make me laugh uncontrollably.

-My parents, their love, and their wonderful graduation gift (my new macbook pro!) I couldn't ask for better parents &l

t;3

-4th of July at the Sports Park in my town...it will always hold a special place in

my heart.

-I LOVE summer nights with my best friends that include driving with the windows down blasting music, laughing (and some

of us peeing our pants...), swimming, eating, and the list continues..I'm so thankful for them.

The list is endless, but those are just some of the few things I have been blessed with in

the last month.

Now onto bigger things. The title of this blog is strength. I have seen strength in so many people in the last month and it is truly inspiring. Strength to me comes in many, many forms. I fully believe that crying shows strength. It shows that you have the ability to feel and the ability to grow and move past whatever it is your going through. On the other hand, the ability to smile and be joyous when something is killing you, also shows strength.

The reason for me blogging about this is because the topic of strength has come up a lot in conversation and I admire anyone that has this characteristic. (Which pretty much everyone does, even if you don't admit it).

The other reason for posting this, is because my family as a whole has shown such strength in the last couple of weeks. My last post was rather depressing, I know, but I am so amazed and thankful for my family and our ability to grow together, and get closer when something not so great comes our way. You know how I said I was waiting for that silver lining? I think that's it. I won't really know for sure until I can talk to God in person about it. But I think that's what He was going for in His all powerful and incredible plan. So I can't complain.

Taylor Swift (I know, cheesy..) says "Talk to the Man with the reasons why" SO true. Who better than God to sit down and have a chat with? Thanks T-Swift <3

Well, that's a wrap for now. Enjoy the little things and notice the beauty. That's what I shall leave you with :)

Everything will be okay..right?

I am a person who likes everything to go smoothly, to find the silver lining in all situations, and to always stay positive. That's not just in everyday life..but with these blogs as well. But I can tell you right now...it's not one of those blogs.

The only thing I know how to do to deal with things is to either talk to someone about it, listen to music in my room and cry, or write about it. None of these things have worked so far. I didn't think it was possible for a heart to hurt this much, or for a knot this big to remain in my stomach for so long. And yet..both those things are with my as I write this.

I know that reading this you are thinking 'what happened?!' and I'm sorry to disappoint, but it will not be mentioned in this post. Only a few people know about this but honestly, I'm trying as hard as I can to deal with something and I don't know how. That's why I'm choosing to blog. I'm hoping it'll take me somewhere else or do something to help me. I've talked with my best friends, I've cried until my eyes have pretty much swollen shut, and I've sat and listened to music. But I haven't listened to God. I can't for some reason. I don't hear Him and I don't know how to. I feel broken and lost and confused. I feel disappointed and embarrassed. I feel like I'm living someone else's life and not my own. How could something like this have so much impact? And most importantly, how come it's happening to me and my family?

I can say whole heartedly that life can literally flip upside down within a matter of seconds. It can turn on a dime and it can make you into a different person. That happened to me because of one decision. One decision that changed everything.

It's the hardest thing in the world looking at someone you love with a new pair of eyes, because of something that happened. Someone that I look up to and love with my whole heart..

I still look up to them and love them with my whole heart, but I honestly just don't know how to act or how to feel or what to say. So I'm left lost. I've been here before and it isn't the best place to be. Everyone keeps telling me that it will be okay, and even though Iknow that to be true..I don't believe it. I feel like no one understands...even the ones who are going through it too. Everyone expects me to be strong like I always am..but I'm the opposite. I'm weak and I'm trying to regain strength. The only thing I know how to do at this point is pray and talk to God. I need Him now more than ever and I need His glory to be enough. I need Him to show me that silver lining, that positive outlook, and the best outcome.

So for now..I have to learn how to let go and move on. And wait for that silver lining.

Here comes the rest of your life

"For every stoplight I didn't make, every chance I did or didn't take..all the nights I went too far, all the boys who broke my heart. All the doors I had to close, all the things I knew but didn't know. I thank God for all I missed..because it led me here to this.."

Well, this post is so long overdue and I'm truly sorry for that. I've had moments and thoughts that I've wanted to blog about for a couple of weeks that I just haven't been able to sit down and write about. So this blog will probably go from happy to sad, to happy, to...I don't know what else. But bear with me. I want to just write.First off, I GRADUATED! Oh my oh my..what a wonderful feeling that is. I blogged many times about how I didn't know how I would feel the day I graduated. Well..I felt amazing. And relieved, and excited, and just happy. It was a long day filled with practice (a very long one at that) all morning, to lunch with my amazing family, to the gym..to the field..to the stage. I loved every second of that day. Everyone told me that it would be a day I would remember for the rest of my life, and they were right. I was very proud of myself because I only teared up once the whole night, and that was when my dad hugged me and he was emotional. But other than that, hugging my BEST friends and taking silly pictures with them will always be one of my favorite memories. I can officially say I am a Freshman at Northern Arizona University and I couldn't be MORE excited :) :)

Summer is here and although I haven't done anything THAT exciting..I've spend it mostly with the Fab Five..I love those girls to the ends of the earth and back and I honestly have no idea where I'd be if I didn't have them. I've been going to graduation parties, the beach, hanging out, sleeping in way too late, and laughing. Oh, and getting too sunburned for my own good. It's the beginning of a wonderful summer. Despite all the fun things I've been doing and feeling, I've let the excitement, and the stress of my job get the best of me. I've been finding myself always wanting to do something more exciting, more crazy, more...something. And I've lost track of what's really important.




I feel like I've been putting God on the back burner a little bit. I haven't been talking to Him, and asking Him for help along the way. I haven't even been asking others for help. I feel like I'm sort of at a standstill. I've been here before and I honestly don't like it..hate it even. I know I'm not the only person who has put something worldly, or someone else, or something else before the most important person in our lives. It's a constant struggle, because you want to live your life but you know there's already a plan for you. I've been having to see many people that I've had so much faith and hope in, fall. It makes me so beyond sad and at the same time..makes me think. I think about how strong they used to be in their walk and how suddenly they just aren't anymore. How is it so easy? Because we're putting things before God. Duh..why even ask such a thing.


I was watching a show with my grandparents a few nights ago called the Breakthrough Mansion. This show was incredible. It was heartwrenching and overwhelming. They took about 10 people who have been through horrible childhoods, addictions, and other various problems and they work with them for a week to let go of all the anger, shame, and hurt they've been feeling. I wish I could be apart of something like that. I mean, to see them change and to seem them become happy and feel loved...that's gotta be how God feels when one of His children realize there's someone who loves them, or when they realize that all the things they're doing aren't worth it when there's Someone so much better.

I have many goals for this summer. I want to make it the best I can because I just feel like this is my last one, well, for this part of my life anyway. I want to hang out with everyone that means the most to me and I want to do something worthwhile. Most importantly, I want to prepare myself for college by making God my priority. I feel as though for every good thing that happens to me this summer, it will be because of Him. Thank God for all of His many blessings <3

See you later

See you later, instead of goodbye. That has been my motto for the past week. It has FINALLY hit me like a ton of bricks that this is it. I have 3 days of high school left, and one week until I am officially a high school graduate. Up until that amazing, sad, exciting, nerve-racking day...I have to think of how to deal with talking to people and writing in their yearbooks without saying goodbye..because I just refuse.

Monday night was one of the hardest nights I've had. It was my final Wyldlife club with some of the greatest middle schoolers that I've spent the past two years with, and it was my last ever Younglife club with the family that has shaped me the past 4 years. I can honestly say that I knew it would be hard...but not nearly as hard as it actually was. Wyldlife club was an emotional one to begin with because it was one of the more intense ones that we've done. We had a beyond amazing singer and friend come play guitar and sing a couple of worship songs...ah, she is just GREAT. :) (thanks Natalie!!) and we played the Everything skit, which is a few blogs down there...but it was just amazing to see the middle schoolers so captivated..God is doing awesome things in their lives and I can't wait to see where life takes them!

Then, we had a little leader dinner for the last time. Ryan and Aliah have been huge parts of my life within the last two years and they gave me a very special card and gift card and said something nice about each of us, which was just great. Finally...Younglife Club rolled around. It started out as a normal club, playing games and such. Until they played a slide show of all the clubs we've had this year..with graduation songs in it. That's when I began to feel every rush of emotion rolled into one. Hahah. It was senior night so the songs, and a lot of different things were all related to the seniors. Ryan called the seniors up to receive a Younglife pin to wear on our gowns and that's when we lost it. I then had to start giving hugs and say the word "goodbye, but we WILL see each other!" to many people who I absolutely adore.

I know I've talked about Younglife in nearly every single post..but I can't begin to explain what Younglife and the people in it, has done for me in the last 4 years. The words "it changed my life" is an understatement. I would NOT be the person I am today without it. So sitting there for the last time was the hardest thing I will probably have to say goodbye to this year. I am so so so blessed for the family it gave me and the things I learned. It will forever be the best part of my high school career and I can't believe it's all over. I can look back and truly know that God purposely put it and everyone in it in my life for a reason. So. Amazing.

Today, I had to say goodbye to my first grade class that I've been working with the past 12 weeks. Oh BOY are they great. One of the girls, Elyssa, got me a dog that had a graduation cap on and it was adorable. They also all wrote me letters and my teacher gave me a card/gift card. I was overwhelmed with love from each of them and I'm so thankful I got to have that experience and feel like I made a difference in their life. That will be one of my favorite memories from Senior year and my heart is just so happy :)

As I finish out these last 3 days strong, I will sign all the yearbooks as if I will be seeing them next year. It's going to be an emotional rollercoaster but I one hundred percent know that I am SO EXCITED to graduate from Chaparral High School on May 26th :) :) I will have a full report after that exciting, amazing day. Then, I will be officially college bound!

See you later :)

It's all beginning to end

Boy oh boy..I have never been more happier to be a senior than I am right now. These past two weeks have been nothing short of AMAZING. I am finally realizing that I may actually miss all this. I never thought I would actually want to turn back time while in high school, until now.

I will start with Prom. May 7, 2011. What a night to remember. I got to spend it with the best people ever and I couldn't have asked for anything better!

We started out taking goofy and crazy pictures at Ponte Winery then headed to Dana Point for dinner at Salt Creek Grille, which was RIGHT by the ocean and so beautiful.
Then, we headed towards the venue but before that, a firetruck picked us up. YES, a firetruck took all of us to our Senior Prom..legit? Oh you know it.

We all danced the night away and it was great..but one of my favorite parts about this dance was just relaxing by the firepit or dancing to the jazz band on the upper deck with all my friends and my wonderful date. We ended this fantastic night at a hotel where we talked, laughed, and hung out. I have the BEST friends ever and I'm so blessed :)

Next, was Disney Grad Night. May 12th-May 13th. I'm not going to lie, I was a little afraid that I was going to be WAY too tired, and end up not having that much fun. But it was the complete opposite. Haha.

Before we went to the school, Hannah, Amanda, and I went to Starbucks to get some caffeine. We each got drinks that had 4 shots of expresso in it..umm yeah. Then on our way we had some 5 hour energy drinks, so basically we were wired. Hahah. But this truly lasted me all night long. The bus ride was fun, happy, and so enthusiastic. Bus number 5 killed it. Just saying. My group that I was with all night was fantastic, and was all about 20 people. So going on rides was insane and fun..because we all managed to stay together. The first ride we decided to go on (which everyone else did too) was Space Mountain. We literally were trampled from all the people but was it worth it? Oh yeah. We also hit the dance floors through out the night which was also incredible. Never thought I would go dancing at 2 in the morning in Disneyland. BUT I did.
I was going strong until about 4:15 am..then I started to crash. I ended up taking a couple of twenty minute power naps and then finally headed back to the bus at about 5:15. You could say that after I showered and ate something, I crashed at about 8:00 am until 3:00 pm. Disney Grad Night=COMPLETE success. Thanks to my lovely group for making it so amazing :)

I have seven school days, and twelve full days until I graduate. I know I've posted how ready, and excited, and also about how I can't believe it..but at this very moment..those emotions are at and all time high. My brain literally can't wrap my brain around it. But I know that I will have these memories to look back on forever..and I'm so glad that they were amazing ones. :)

Just Be

I've been thinking about Work Crew a lot lately. It will be two years in July since I spent the hardest, most amazing three weeks of my life with the greatest people on earth. It doesn't seem real to me that THAT much time has gone by. I had just finished my Sophomore year when I left for Oregon and now I'm graduating. Too crazy for me to wrap my head around.

Anyway, the reason why I've been thinking about it is because every time I'm handed something painful, or a really hard situation when I feel my weakest, I remember how much I grew that summer and how hard I worked all for God's glory. I often times take for granted the people that I met and how they are continuing to help me grow..even from all over the United States.

Throughout that summer I learned how to be who I am, accept who I am, and really know what it's like to put my all in something that is so much bigger than myself. As a housekeeping team, our theme of the session was 'Just Be'..I think that I run around like a chicken with my head chopped off WAY too much. I let stress get the best of me and I honestly try to juggle way too many things at once. I really truly feel like I can do it all on my own and I keep getting signs saying that I can't. I know I can't. I sometimes will have to rely on others to keep me in check, and I will have to let go of what I cannot control.

I think this may be one of my biggest flaws. I let everything consume me to the point where I eventually break down. I can't do that anymore. I have to let it be. and just be. So that is my new thought process when I get way too overwhelmed for my own good. Haha.

Prom is this Saturday and we FINALLY have it all worked out. I'm going with every single one of my closest and dearest friends and I cannot wait. :) All this craziness will definitely pay off after this night I will never forget.

Don't forget to breathe...cause I kinda forget to every once in a while.

Stressed is desserts spelled backwards

I don't like the word stressed. And I have come to realize that it is desserts spelled backwards. It really isn't worth it to stress about little things, but yet I continue to do so. And I can't seem to figure out why? I feel like the picture above describes how I've been feeling lately. A little lost, a little broken, a little confused, but still have so much love to give.

This week has been a bit of a rollercoaster for me. From school, to friends, to finding a job, and figuring out prom and concerts this summer...I was at my breaking point. My friends realized this and tried to help, but it wasn't working..I just needed my moment to regain strength. Then I realized I had been carrying the weight of the world on MY shoulders when I really should have given them to God. I've realized that there are reasons for why people come in and out of our lives, they all have something to offer and something to teach us. But you know what the worst part of them not being in your life anymore is? They take a piece of your heart. I know that sounds cliche...but I truly mean that. It feels almost as if they died, because you never get what you once had back, and you know at one point..you may never see them again. It seems depressing and I don't want this post to be like that. That's what I love about my religion. It's not just a religion, it's a relationship. And it's an amazing love story..

God started working His wonderful magic at the right time..because everything started finally falling into place. School is still stressful, but I only have 33 days left. I can do it. Friends are fantastic and I have an AMAZING group to go with at prom (which is also all figured out..finally!) AND I got a job! You're looking at the newest member of Whimsical..a frozen yogurt/gelato place! My first day is tomorrow and I'm really excited :) Hopefully I don't mess up..haha.

But anyway, this post isn't too long nor very insightful..but I just wanted this post to be about the joyous things going on in my life! I will have a better one soon, promise. Hope everyone is doing fantastic and enjoying life. Much love <3

Defying Gravity

"Something has changed within me, something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap! It's time to try defying gravity, I think I'll try defying gravity..I think I'll try defying gravity, and you can't pull me down."

This song is from the Broadway play Wicked, and if you haven't seen it yet..please change that, immediately. The lyric up there is self explanatory so this blog needs no explanation. It's late and I feel as though this sums up my thoughts. Along with that, me, Courtney, Amanda, and Hannah BLASTED this song on the way home from an adventurous night after seeing Hailey get her award. Honestly, one of my favorite things is being with my best friends, singing loud ridiculous songs with the windows down. I'm so very blessed :)

And no one's gunna bring me down..

Never, Neverland

6 weeks. 44 days. However you look at it, Graduation is coming...full speed ahead. I can't begin to explain to you how many mixed emotions I've had through the course of this year. It's been one of the toughest in high school, and one of the greatest. I've seen people change and hurt and lose themselves. I've seen people rejoice, gain sight of who they are, and get back on track. I've seen people make huge decisions that have altered the course of their life, myself included. Though this journey has been rocky, I've come out of it feeling amazed. Of course, there are many things that didn't go exactly as planned..but what fun would that be? Things happen for a reason and that is one thing I know for certain.

I'm going to Northern Arizona University in 4 months. I'm LIVING in Arizona in 4 months. You can say that I am beyond excited. And part of that is that I have an amazing roommate that I have only known for 4 months, but I already feel like she's my best friend. I know that being 500 miles away from home is going to be difficult, but having adventures, talks, laughs, and bible studies with Madelyn will make it all worthwhile. I'm blessed that God literally put her in my life and He was the reason for us meeting. :)

Facebook is an amazing thing, although it distracts me and consumes too much of my time, I LOVE it all the same. It has given me the chance to meet potential friends that are also attending NAU. Marvelous. I'm also so very excited that I will already have a new family going there. Why you ask? Because I have YoungLife. When you have YoungLife in common, it's an immediate friendship. I promise. I can't wait for that.

As much as I can't wait for this Fall..I'm terrified. This new found emotion has come over me, intensely. My heart hurts when I think of saying goodbye to my parents, and my older brother. Who have literally been my rock and my role models. How will I not see them everyday? And how could I possibly give up the many friendships that have taken years to build, and who have become my sisters? And lastly, how will I give up my comfortble, amazing family that I have with Temecula YoungLife? It has consumed my life for the past 4 years. From leadership meetings, laughs, cries, Campaigners, camp, worship, God, middle schoolers, and amazing people who have guided me in my walk with Christ...I can't fathom saying goodbye to them.

I've never been good with goodbyes, but I can say whole heartedly that these goodbyes will be the hardest I've had to do in my whole life.

In all these emotions, I am stuck. One day I can't wait. The next day I want to break down. I've pictured Graduation day countless times. When I picture it, I see my classmates in their gowns and I see everyone walking across the stage, receiving their diploma after 4 long years. But I can't picture what emotion I will have that day. Will I be happy, or sad? Or maybe a mixture of both? Know idea.

All I know is, God has it all planned out.

I wish at times like these I lived in Neverland. I could catch up with life and prepare myself for what's next. But that's not how life works. And I know that. So while I figure all this out, I'm enjoying my last 6 weeks. 44 days. to the fullest and the best of my ability. Here's to the next chapter!